I haven’t typed up a blog entry in a long time, but I can’t sleep, its almost 1am and my mind is too busy to try and attempt to lay back down again >_<
Thinking and talking about family issues revolving around upcoming therapy sessions is a 24 hours a day struggle to bury and bring forth suppressed emotions. At times I can’t control my tears and I burst while carrying out my daily rituals of work, school and transit (o_0 I haven’t felt like this since I broke up with my Ex, and my sadness only lasted for a few weeks or less) Growing up in a Chinese family has taught me to feel constant guilt and shame.
Breaking out this vicious cycle and asserting yourself in front of your parents and siblings who choose to remain dependent on SAVING FACE is hurtful because those who wish to live different lives are EMOTIONALLY BLACKMAILED to feel remorse. Every family has its own dark past, I just want us to openly admit it to ourselves so I can stop feeling GUILT which I shouldn’t be! Acting and presenting various persona’s of myself is emotionally strenuous and confusing. How many identities must I possess in order to survive in my own family?
I must openly acknowledge my own issues for myself. For instance, confrontation is not my best suit. I try to avoid it for as long as I can before … It blows up in my face T_T (This is not GOOD). When I’ll get to the point where I feel my family has confronted all their demons, only time will tell but for now Tragically Hip’s song “Courage” is keeping my spirits up as well as those who Love and Support me!
I wish I could write more but I wouldn’t know where to begin.
I’m getting sleepy now :) Typing out my emotions helped a little, Good Night.